Embracing Hardship

This last few weeks have been very difficult but not anything that should beat me.  I don't understand some of the things that have happened to me but I embrace difficulty, pain, suffering, laughter and joy all the same.  It's not easy but after so much practice it gets better.  My daughter Valerie will be leaving for college and my Vivian will be starting her freshman year in high school.  They grow up so fast and you stand there looking back wondering where...what and why but no one answers.  It is plain reality and it attaches to your skin like a cancer.  I ended up in the hospital on May 3rd with Pneumonia and I stopped breathing.  I barely made it to the hospital where I fought for weeks to get out of that hospital bed.  It was during this time that I learned that as much as I wish that things remained the same; we need to learn to let go.  We have no control and I cry at times, I cry for all the newborn children who don't have a clue of the world they are coming to or the poor young man that just enlisted to go defend our country while we fail to reach any sort of peace.  What is wrong with us?  What goes through our minds?  I wonder if anyone else shares my thoughts and fears.  I am against war and dream of the day that we can look each other in the eye without differences of color or language.  You may be thinking ..as if...whatever...really..wow she's a dreamer.  Yes I am a dreamer because one day all the hardship that I embrace will come to an end.  That day I will be in a wonderful home full of peace.  I won't have to dream anymore and I will turn to the person next to me and I will not have to worry that we are not equal.  In that special place I am an equal...I am not embracing hardship any longer.  I am now free.  I am rejoicing with all my loved ones in an a place that cannot be described in my own words but the thought of it sweeps my breath away.

Mi reposo eres tu...

Miinee Zuñiga

Padre mío, ahora que las voces se silenciaron
y los clamores se apagaron, aquí al pie de la cama
mi alma se eleva hasta Tí, para decirte:
Creo en Tí, espero en Tí, te amo con todas
mis fuerzas, Gloria a Tí Señor.
...
Deposito en tus manos, la fatiga y la lucha,
las alegrías y desencantos de este día
que quedó atrás.

Si los nervios me traicionaron, si los impulsos
egoístas me dominaron, si dí entrada al rencor
o a la tristeza, ¡Perdón, Señor!. Ten piedad de mí.

Si he sido infiel, si pronuncié palabras vanas,
si me dejé llevar por la impaciencia.
Si fui espina para alguien ¡Perdón, Señor!.
No quiero esta noche entregarme al sueño, sin sentir
sobre mi alma la seguridad de tu misericordia,
tu dulce misericordia, enteramente gratuita, Señor.

Te doy gracias, Padre mío, porque has sido la sombra
fresca que me ha cobijado durante todo este día.
Te doy gracias porque, invisible, cariñoso, envolvente,
me has cuidado a lo largo de estas horas.

Señor, a mi alrededor ya todo es silencio y calma.
Envía el angel de la paz a esta casa. Relaja mis nervios
sosiega mi espíritu, suelta mis tenciones,
inunda mi ser de silencio y serenidad.

Vela sobre mí, Padre querido, mientras me entrego
confiada al sueño, como una niña que duerme
feliz entre tus brazos.

En tu nombre Señor, desacansaré tranquila amen............................ que dios los bendiga familia y amigos hasta mañana, dulces sueños

Quise compartir esto con ustedes!!!

The girl that never looked my way...20 years later still has my heart..to Jimmy

I anxiously wait for the sound of your voice

You may not understand; sometimes I don’t

Meeting you was a chance

Loving you, darling…that was my choice.

I had been alone for a long time

I did not have to be but I was well…

I never thought I needed anyone else

My life sufficiently made me happy…

In some way or form I cannot tell.

I never want you to feel that I wish to trap you

I just wanted beautiful, joyful, enchanting, exciting…

All that love is supposed to be.

That nurture closeness, the unity of two surpassing the One…

Leaving one breathless and assured that in this love…

Finally you can be free.

As I ponder on 4 months together

I get taken back to a high school hallway

In my mind we cross paths once ..maybe twice

Our glances may have crossed, maybe I smiled

Knowing me I might have frowned

It was the way it was meant to be

I wonder should I walk on past by now…

Will he hurt and suffer like me

Will he feel relief at the end?

Why was I supposed to love like this now?

Why not love back then?

God I pray...

Pray that we are both in for true…real…to stay

That this is not a dream that will just…

Painful as it may be…will just deem away.

With love

Bendita fe donde estas?  Siento mis huesos adoloridos mientras me arrodillo a adorar a mi Creador.  Le platique tantas cosas y termine llorando, agonizantes lagrimas que ahogaban mi garganta.  Fue cuando senti la certeza de una pregunta, "EN DONDE ESTA TU FE HIJA MIA?"  No pude rsponder pues me senti victima de un robo.  Dios que no viste cuando me robaron el primer trozo de fe aquella vez, recuerdas cuando esperaba que todo mejorara con mi matrimonio y termino en divorcio.  Luego me encontraba en ese hospital aferrada a la fe que me sostenia y ese medico me dijo que mi condicion era permanente.  Una tras una circunstancia, la vida se encargo de arrancarme mi fe, como ladron calculante ataco mis momentos mas debiles.  Pero Padre yo no estaba sola porque no me defendiste como todo un padre a un hijo.  Entonces me dijo, tienes fe de que estas hablando con Tu padre, El que todo lo puede.  Le dije solemnemente...Si.  Entonces lo que la vida te quiso arrancar Yo te la devolvi mas afinada, como crees hija mia que soportaste todo lo que viviste sino hubiese sido por tu fe que Yo estaba alli como Tu padre que te adora tanto!!!

To MJ from Vivian, a 12 year old!!

My daughter came to me with an explanation as to why sometimes God allows things to happen in her opinion. She came to this conclusion after my friend came by to run an errand and we began to talk about her son that passed away, the memories and the journey that her life has gone through since he passed. In the opinion of my 12 year old, "she said I can see why she would ask God why, I believe mom's have this amazing love for "us" and really is not fair for a mom to have to bury her son. I cannot understand why God did not even give her son a chance to say his good-byes. Well, I believe that sometimes God does things and what happened to her son only happens to one in a million. Mom can you imagine how much hurry God must have been in, he was unique and special, different from 999, 999,999 other children in this world. Angels are not walking about that easily anymore, the world is so sad sometimes that God has to work day and night so He has to call special children like him to come to His side and give Him a hand. I really believe your friend's son is busy watching over all of us, it was easy to feel his presence as she talked about him, the glow I saw surrounding her, she is truly protected by a special angel." This was her explanation to the sudden unexpected death of a wonderful life, the comfort of knowing that your loved one is doing something great and amazing as his life was, is the way a 12 year old saw it tonight. ---To MJ...

I...Me....Self

To my daughter Valerie and Vivian:

I am and I don’t know why

Who am I to deserve to be..

To   breathe the air

To walk around so free

I don’t have need for anything

I eat, I play, and I go to school

I can be anything I wish

And I choose not to be a fool

So much evil around

Waiting to be found

Violence, death

Taking away our last breath

I am who I am

See myself in the eyes

Of another

Maybe it’s my sister,

Maybe it’s my mother

Does t really matter?

I am me..                     

God..are You there?

I believe that some people come into our life to bless us with a lesson.  I met Reese when she was 9 years old and we were going to be friends forever.  We planned our families, school and where we would spend our elderly days looking after each other with our wrinkled skin and our cane.  Indeed we planned but her destiny was different for mine, at a very young age she was given a death sentence.  No she did not have Leukemia or anything of that sort but still her disease was like any virus that draws the life out of any human.  Her auto immune disease began to affect her joints very early, she could not play sports, run and before the age of graduation from high school she was in a wheel chair.  When I left to college she stayed with her family under the care of a specialist that dealt with patients like Reese.  My friend was in pain everyday of her life and her body began to refuse treatments, soon she began to have adverse reactions to the side effects of the medications.  Her immune system gave up first, her defenses were gone.  Iron and blood transfusions were not doing anything.  After getting out of college, I returned home but the Reese I found was about 100 lbs or less, her hands had severe swan deformities and she was very pale.  She was fed through a tube, at times she would try to drink but she had spells where she aspirated and they wanted to avoid Pneumonia.  In spite of all that was happening, Reese was a happy person, she tried to make all who surrounded her feel positive and never accepted pity.  I took her with me shopping or we spent time in the park talking.  In September 2008 she gave me the news that she was going to marry the love of her life; Stephen had been in love with Reese since the second grade and I was so happy for her.  I felt a sense of hope and renewed faith that my friend could defeat the terrible illness that was robbing her life.  The wedding was wonderful, I don't think there was a dry eye at the ceremony since they were both so happy.  My friend was beyond joy and I continued to thank God for bringing all the happiness to her life but at the same time I planted the idea in my mind that God was beginning to heal her and she would soon get up from that wheel chair.  In February of 2009, Reese ended up in the hospital with a severe kidney infection, the disease was affecting her kidneys and her liver.  She soon developed a secondary infection and she became more fragile.  I was not married yet but very much in love when I became pregnant with my first child.  I shared the news with Reese and she was ecstatic with joy.  I told her how frightened I was that I did not know anything about being a mother and even said something I still regret today, "my life feels like it's going to end."  Reese looked at me very sad and disappointed, she asked me to help her roll over in her bed to change sides and relieve the pressure.  I wanted to apologize but she cut me off as soon as I started; then she asked me to sit next to her.  When I did, I noticed that she looked exhausted and her fingers were bluish.  I asked the nurse to come in and soon my friend was on oxygen.  That did not stop her from telling me what was on her mind.  She told me that I needed to embrace the opportunity that God was giving me even if I was afraid and to promise her that I would do right by my child.  She went on to remind me that we can all make plans but God has our destiny in His hands, she said live and enjoy every minute because it is precious, it was for me my friend.  How could she be grateful for such a painful life that had burdened her for years, her breathing become more labored as she told me how honored and blessed she was to have known me.  I told her that the honor was mine, Reese you changed my life, you taught me to value and appreciate life and for that I will always be greatful because I had the blessing of knowing you.  Then I asked God where are you during my friend's pain, help her please with tears and desperation while she slept.  Her family slowly came in when the physician said it was time to get ready, to say good-bye to our loved Reese.  God where are you I asked again in my mind.  When I got close to her bed to hug her and tell her I loved her, she whispered in my ear, look at the window, look..look..there's a man surrounded by a bright beautiful light and he has his arms opened for me.  She sighed and she was gone.