Lost Soul

I looked at myself in the mirror but for a second.  I had to turn away, my stomach felt a tightening nauseating feeling.  The individual gazing back at me was but a stranger to me. How did I get here and where was I supposed to go next. The fear embraced every inch of my body, the anguish that clogged my throat made it hard to breathe. "Run," said the voice in my head but instead I just crouched to my knees and found myself like a lost child beating the floor in defeat. How long I laid there is difficult to remember but when I started to get up I felt a sense of relief and my head was cleared. I knew what I had to do, no more stalling at this point in time like I had done many times before, this time I was moving forward and I knew that too much depended on my courage to succeed. The times when I gave up easily and threw in the towel were over and as words constructed into sentences I began to connect with what would one day be my story.  So I took the next step and my fingers trembled as the words began to pour out of my head and I tried to keep up manually but the excitement was overwhelming.  Soon I found myself again jumbling ideas and trying to make pictures of events that I had to write about; it was then that I came to the conclusion as to why I had behaved so cowardly the past five years, why I had gone from being on the top of the mountain to the the bottom pit of the well.  In there it lay the answer to the agony of fighting for my life for so long, for the will to live.  Here was my liberation, not just in forgiving all who were involved but in telling all who would listen the truth, my truth and that of my family.  Finally I would scream to all who were willing to listen and so I started from the beginning..my new beginning.