God..are You there?

I believe that some people come into our life to bless us with a lesson.  I met Reese when she was 9 years old and we were going to be friends forever.  We planned our families, school and where we would spend our elderly days looking after each other with our wrinkled skin and our cane.  Indeed we planned but her destiny was different for mine, at a very young age she was given a death sentence.  No she did not have Leukemia or anything of that sort but still her disease was like any virus that draws the life out of any human.  Her auto immune disease began to affect her joints very early, she could not play sports, run and before the age of graduation from high school she was in a wheel chair.  When I left to college she stayed with her family under the care of a specialist that dealt with patients like Reese.  My friend was in pain everyday of her life and her body began to refuse treatments, soon she began to have adverse reactions to the side effects of the medications.  Her immune system gave up first, her defenses were gone.  Iron and blood transfusions were not doing anything.  After getting out of college, I returned home but the Reese I found was about 100 lbs or less, her hands had severe swan deformities and she was very pale.  She was fed through a tube, at times she would try to drink but she had spells where she aspirated and they wanted to avoid Pneumonia.  In spite of all that was happening, Reese was a happy person, she tried to make all who surrounded her feel positive and never accepted pity.  I took her with me shopping or we spent time in the park talking.  In September 2008 she gave me the news that she was going to marry the love of her life; Stephen had been in love with Reese since the second grade and I was so happy for her.  I felt a sense of hope and renewed faith that my friend could defeat the terrible illness that was robbing her life.  The wedding was wonderful, I don't think there was a dry eye at the ceremony since they were both so happy.  My friend was beyond joy and I continued to thank God for bringing all the happiness to her life but at the same time I planted the idea in my mind that God was beginning to heal her and she would soon get up from that wheel chair.  In February of 2009, Reese ended up in the hospital with a severe kidney infection, the disease was affecting her kidneys and her liver.  She soon developed a secondary infection and she became more fragile.  I was not married yet but very much in love when I became pregnant with my first child.  I shared the news with Reese and she was ecstatic with joy.  I told her how frightened I was that I did not know anything about being a mother and even said something I still regret today, "my life feels like it's going to end."  Reese looked at me very sad and disappointed, she asked me to help her roll over in her bed to change sides and relieve the pressure.  I wanted to apologize but she cut me off as soon as I started; then she asked me to sit next to her.  When I did, I noticed that she looked exhausted and her fingers were bluish.  I asked the nurse to come in and soon my friend was on oxygen.  That did not stop her from telling me what was on her mind.  She told me that I needed to embrace the opportunity that God was giving me even if I was afraid and to promise her that I would do right by my child.  She went on to remind me that we can all make plans but God has our destiny in His hands, she said live and enjoy every minute because it is precious, it was for me my friend.  How could she be grateful for such a painful life that had burdened her for years, her breathing become more labored as she told me how honored and blessed she was to have known me.  I told her that the honor was mine, Reese you changed my life, you taught me to value and appreciate life and for that I will always be greatful because I had the blessing of knowing you.  Then I asked God where are you during my friend's pain, help her please with tears and desperation while she slept.  Her family slowly came in when the physician said it was time to get ready, to say good-bye to our loved Reese.  God where are you I asked again in my mind.  When I got close to her bed to hug her and tell her I loved her, she whispered in my ear, look at the window, look..look..there's a man surrounded by a bright beautiful light and he has his arms opened for me.  She sighed and she was gone.

Lost Soul

I looked at myself in the mirror but for a second.  I had to turn away, my stomach felt a tightening nauseating feeling.  The individual gazing back at me was but a stranger to me. How did I get here and where was I supposed to go next. The fear embraced every inch of my body, the anguish that clogged my throat made it hard to breathe. "Run," said the voice in my head but instead I just crouched to my knees and found myself like a lost child beating the floor in defeat. How long I laid there is difficult to remember but when I started to get up I felt a sense of relief and my head was cleared. I knew what I had to do, no more stalling at this point in time like I had done many times before, this time I was moving forward and I knew that too much depended on my courage to succeed. The times when I gave up easily and threw in the towel were over and as words constructed into sentences I began to connect with what would one day be my story.  So I took the next step and my fingers trembled as the words began to pour out of my head and I tried to keep up manually but the excitement was overwhelming.  Soon I found myself again jumbling ideas and trying to make pictures of events that I had to write about; it was then that I came to the conclusion as to why I had behaved so cowardly the past five years, why I had gone from being on the top of the mountain to the the bottom pit of the well.  In there it lay the answer to the agony of fighting for my life for so long, for the will to live.  Here was my liberation, not just in forgiving all who were involved but in telling all who would listen the truth, my truth and that of my family.  Finally I would scream to all who were willing to listen and so I started from the beginning..my new beginning.